If you love someone, learn how to fight with them. That’s the best advice Krystal Mazzola Wood, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Phoenix, gives the couples she works with. “It makes all the difference in the world,” she says. “Most of us don't innately have the skills to communicate well when we're feeling overwhelmed or unheard, because we literally go into fight-or-flight mode. We have to actively practice how to communicate well during a conflict to protect and strengthen the relationship.”

That includes having a handful of go-to phrases in your back pocket to deploy when things get heated. We asked experts what to say during your next fight with your partner—and how it might help you find your way back to each other.

“You’re right about ___.”
Couples often land in Mazzola Wood’s office because, when they argue, they get stuck on who’s right and who’s wrong. They tend to especially fixate on “perceiving themselves as correct,” she says. “That makes the other person feel completely unheard and unseen, which encourages them to get defensive and argue back.” There’s a better way: Instead of ruminating over how you’re going to prove your point, draw attention to something your partner said that you agree with. That will help diffuse the tension and remind both of you that you’re on the same team, she says.

“I’m sorry for ___.”
Apologizing for your role in an argument—which doesn’t mean taking all of the blame—is a shortcut to a peaceful resolution. “When someone hears an apology, they automatically soften,” Mazzola Wood says. “I always think about giving the love that we want to receive.” Be specific (and genuine) about what you're apologizing for, she urges, looking your partner in the eye and speaking from the heart. Don't try to justify your behavior, minimize your partner's feelings, or guilt-trip them. It’s also a good idea to steer clear of quasi-apologies, like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry, but,” which is more offensive than saying nothing at all.